Years ago, when I was a student teacher, a professor from my university came to observe my class. I thought the lesson went well. My students were engaged, the lesson was flowing, and I even managed to work in a reference to Rugrats (a Nickelodeon cartoon about a group of adventurous toddlers popular in the mid-nineties). I don't remember exactly how I worked Tommy Pickles and his friends into the lesson, but I do remember thinking it was a pretty clever connection. My students certainly thought so. They laughed, understood the example, and stayed engaged.
I was feeling pretty good about my teaching that day, but then came the post-observation conference. My observer complimented several aspects of the lesson before expressing concern about my reference to "rug rats." Apparently, she had never heard of the Nickelodeon show and thought I was using a less-than-flattering term to describe young children. I tried to explain that Rugrats was a cartoon, not my personal nickname for little ones. I even described Tommy Pickles and Chuckie Finster, hoping that would clear things up. It did not.
I left the conference feeling frustrated. Of all the things she could have noticed about my lesson, this was what we were discussing? I had worked hard to create an engaging learning experience, and now I was defending myself against an accusation of insulting toddlers.
Looking back, the whole thing was pretty funny. But at the time, it didn't feel funny at all. I had allowed one piece of feedback, based on a misunderstanding, to overshadow everything that had gone well. And I had spent an impressive amount of mental energy feeling defensive and being irritated about it. That's the tricky thing about feedback. Even when it's well-intentioned, it can leave us feeling misunderstood, defensive, or discouraged. And when we're already pouring so much energy into our work, feedback can feel like one more thing draining our educator batteries. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Why Feedback Can Feel So Personal
Teaching isn't just something you do; it’s part of your identity. You invest your time, energy, and expertise into helping students learn. So when someone critiques your teaching, it can feel like they're critiquing you. Feedback can make you feel vulnerable.
There's a reason for that.
Our brains are especially attentive to information that might signal a threat. When we receive criticism, even constructive criticism, we may interpret it as a threat to our competence, reputation, or sense of belonging. Before we've had a chance to think through what someone is saying, we may already be feeling defensive, embarrassed, or anxious.
Then there's our tendency to focus on the negative. You might receive five compliments and one suggestion for improvement, but guess which one you're still thinking about on your drive home?
The good news is that you can shift the way you perceive and process feedback. Here are four ways to turn feedback into fuel instead of letting it drain your energy.
1. Separate the Feedback from Your Identity
One of the most important things you can do when receiving feedback is remember that teaching is something you do, not the sum total of who you are. You are a human who teaches.
When someone identifies an area for improvement, they're commenting on a particular practice, decision, or moment in time. They're not delivering a verdict on your worth.
Instead of thinking, I'm not good at asking questions, try thinking, There's an opportunity for me to strengthen my questioning techniques.
The first thought makes the feedback about your identity. The second makes it about a skill you can improve.
You can be an excellent teacher and still have things to learn. In fact, those two things go together.
2. Get Curious Before You Get Defensive
When feedback stings, our first instinct is often to defend ourselves.
They didn't see what happened before the lesson.
They don't understand these students.
I was doing exactly what the curriculum requires.
Sometimes those thoughts are completely justified. Feedback can be incomplete, poorly delivered, or based on limited information.
But immediately defending yourself can prevent you from discovering something useful.
Instead, try approaching feedback with curiosity.
Ask yourself:
· What might this person be noticing that I haven't noticed?
· Is there something useful here, even if I don't agree with everything?
· What additional information would help me understand this feedback?
You might even ask the person providing feedback, "Can you give me an example of what that might look like in my classroom?"
Curiosity changes the experience. Instead of feeling like you're on trial, you become an investigator gathering information that might help you grow.
And here's the best part, you can be curious without agreeing. Listening to feedback doesn't mean you have to accept every suggestion as accurate or useful.
3. Use the Pause Button Before Responding
Sometimes feedback catches us off guard. We feel our face getting warm, our shoulders tightening, or our thoughts racing. That's your cue to pause. When you're emotionally activated, it's harder to evaluate information objectively.
You might silently remind yourself, I can take some time to process this.
If you need more time, it's perfectly reasonable to say, "Thank you for sharing that. I'd like to think about it before deciding on my next steps."
The pause creates a little space between what you hear and how you respond. And that space matters. It gives you an opportunity to choose a response that supports your growth rather than allowing your emotions to take the wheel.
4. You Get to Choose What Happens Next
Someone can offer you feedback, but you get to decide what meaning you give it and what you do with it. Remember, you can’t control everything that happens in the course of a school day, and you can’t control other people’s opinions. You certainly can't control how skillfully other people deliver their feedback.
But you can learn to receive it without allowing it to consume your energy. You can separate your identity from your practice. You can get curious instead of defensive. You can pause before reacting, and choose one small step forward.
And sometimes, the most productive response is to recognize that some feedback isn't particularly useful and let it go. Your job isn't to make everyone happy or meet every expectation perfectly. Your job is to keep learning, keep growing, and keep making a difference for your students.
The next time feedback comes your way, instead of asking, What does this say about me? try asking, What can I do with this?
Take What Helps. Leave What Doesn't.
I learned something important in that early observation as a student teacher. When it comes to feedback, I can adopt what’s helpful, adapt suggestions as needed, and abandon what doesn’t help me grow. I can't control the feedback I receive, how it's delivered, or whether the person giving it has ever watched Nickelodeon’s Rugrats cartoon. And I learned one more thing. My students are constantly giving me feedback. It’s clear when they are engaged, when they are confused, and when they think my pop culture examples are right on point.
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